Hiatus

Sorry to all of my crowd of faithful readers... I have been on a hiatus, partially due to some office drama. Which I don't like to get involved in by the way. Drama was thrust upon me. The blog updates will be back soon, more incredible than ever (and you thought that an impossibility).

Day 9: Walk

me. on a walk.

So Day 9 I was supposed to take my pet for a walk. Yeah... I definitely didn't have a pet at work, or one I would be willing to bring to work. Also, neither did any of my co-workers. I had to resort to taking a beautiful woman on a walk, and for the record (and as I quickly found out) that's totally not the same thing. For one, I didn't feed her. For two, she didn't start gnawing on my leg randomly whenever I tried to watch tv. I'm sure you understand. So I ended up asking a co-worker to help me out; the lovely Noura.

Also, I forgot my phone on this walk, so I couldn't get a picture, which was totally lame. So I drew an almost perfect depiction of the proceedings, as you can see above. My guns, her purple triangle-skirt, it's all there. I would have offered to take her for a cruise in my totally sweet Ferrari motorcycle, but it wouldn't have been true to the spirit of item number 9 on the list. Also there was a huge line at Starbucks, which is lame. I'll quit tomorrow.

Day 8: Movie "Night"

left to right: special popcorn, all of my money in a bag

I have been excited for a movie day at the office for a long time. All of the cool people here watch movies all day long, and I wanted to do it myself. Luckily, that was Day 8 on the list! So yeah, lots of fun. I was instructed not to forget the popcorn, but I did, so I had to go to the store in the morning and buy all of the ingredients, which amounted to $20.00. Roughly one week's salary for me. It was rough, but I decided to quit Starbucks and eating in general, so eventually I'll make up that money.

I have a secret formula I myself invented for popcorn, and to you, my loving fans, I will unveil the secret:

You will need: 3-4 bags of popcorn and a distraction.

Directions: Put the first bag of popcorn in the microwave and attend to your distraction (for me; video games). Go check on the popcorn to find it burnt and wholely inedible. Put the second bag in, return to your distraction. Again, this bag needs to be put in for too long and burnt. Repeat this process until you have exhausted all 4 bags of popcorn, then try to salvage any unburnt pieces because you will by this time be starving and grumpy. Return at last to your distraction completely frustrated and not in the mood for popcorn, as you chew on the burnt and unpopped kernels at the bottom of the bag. This is also coincidentally how I make Pizza and most other microwavable foods.

So, I was going to try my time-tested recipe this time as well, but I thought for the purpose of this blog I would try a different one. I ended up having the Bombay popcorn (which you can find linked on the original 150-Things-To-Do list http://listsgalore.blogspot.com/2009/08/150-things-to-do-when-youre-bored.html ). It was delish. You can see the results in the above picture. I got a hint from my coworker, who ended up getting to reap the benefits of the popcorn as well (and enjoyed it), I'm no Little-Red-Hen. She suggested mixing it in an ancient vessel known in certain South American tribes as El-Ziploc-Baggo. It worked great until the popcorn melted it.

As for the actual movie, well, I didn't have a ton of time, because I spent half my lunch break just making the popcorn, so I decided to watch an anime episode from my old favorite site http://otakucenter.com/ . I decided to close my eyes, like the guide suggested, and choose a movie at random. The first time I chose the "Safety" link at the top of my web page. Attempt two, I chose a pop-up. On my third and what you might call "successful" attempt, I chose an anime show called "Boogiepop Phantom," (which I think is a derivation from The Faerie Queene by Spenser). Big, big mistake. The show started out with a two-minute intro video, and then episode one cut through all that plot crap and went straight to what I would describe as a cartoon version of Lost in Translation: pure, unadulterated, cliche.

Here's an (estimated by me) time-lapse of the first minute of the show:

0:01 - Blood-curtling female screams, accompanied by a shouting male voice (I almost thought this would be NSFW and I would have to turn it off, but nothing happened).

0:05 - Massive, earth-shaking explosion.

0:06-0:15 - More footage of the explosion.

0:16 - Random splatter of blood.

0:17-20 - Random flickering cityscape, with ominous music.

0:21 - Scene 2: Set in a High School girls' bathroom (I know, right?)

0:22-45 - Random shots of the legs of these girls, and the bottom four inches of their schoolgirl skirts. Random Japanese dialogue, brief flashes of the actual faces of the girls while they talk, then the leg-camera resumes.

0:46-1:00 - Confusing Japanese High School drama.

1:01-2:00 - Karaoke (You think I'm kidding here, right?) Observe:

yeah, it really happened

At that point I turned the movie off. I have a low tolerance for low-quality anime, sorry.

But all in all Movie Day was a huge success! And I still have the taste of curry in my mouth.

Day 7: 20 Things

I was in luck, I didn't even have to write my own, at exactly 7 minutes and 14 seconds into New Moon, you can freeze the DVD and zoom in on Bella's school notebook to see a list of 20 things she likes about Edward. I was able to painstakingly transcribe it, but it was still better than writing my own to someone else.

20 Things I Like About You (Edward!)
1. When you kiss me I faint.
2. You almost ate me before you even met me.
3. I smell good.
4. I get goosebumps when your forehead protrudes.
5. The feel of your marble abs.
6. You are my Adenos (scratched out) Aldonis (scratched out) Aedonais (scratched out) Total Hottie.
7. I want your last name attached to mine by hyphen.
8. You have an eloquent Mexican accent.
9. I don't talk to my "friends" anymore.
10. I am special.
11. You are not a TOTAL KLUTZ! like me.
12. You watch me and my dad while we sleep.
13. You hate Jacob <3 <3 <3. (written in the margins around this is: "Bella Black," "BB," etc. written numerous times in different types of cursive and bolded letters with hearts surrounding them).
14. Rosalie is my BFF though too.
15. I am a good cook but my dad microwaves household pets to dry them off.
16. You sparkle like a Barbie.
17. We are both sufisticatid.
18. I'm clumsy also.
19. You drive a fast Volvo-wagon.
20. I like you LOTS forever.

Day 6: Book Art

Yeah... I misread the list yesterday and thus neglected to bring old books to destroy in the name of art.

But fear not, I was planning on something a little avant-garde anyway.

my book-sculpture.

That one piece of Kleenix represents the triumph of the human spirit over the fragility of the human body, and the one in the middle represents the inherent tension between God and man, and that other one over there represents me as an artist struggling with my flawed medium to create something of beauty, and then realizing that beauty doesn't exist, and that last piece at the bottom represents my reaction to the realization of this harsh reality. If you don't like it, that's fine, you're just a murderer of art, and a simpleton.

Day 5: Classic Video Games

pac-man re-envisioned.

Time for some retro. For me. So that's like 15 years ago, back when I invented video games. I looked at all the ideas linked on the site, but since I lack a back yard and any willing friends (for this fun little adventure at least), I decided to put my brain to work and make my own retro remakes.

There's this game I play regularly at work that is similar to Pac-Man, it goes like this:

Rule 1: Wander around the office all day with a piece of paper and pretend like you are looking for someone.

Rule 2: Don't find them.

Rule 3: If you stop looking, you lose.

Rule 4: If you get fired, you lose.

So it was a lot of fun, and I decided I wouldn't mind doing something similar on my lunch break. Basically, it's identical to the above-described game, except instead of paper, I loudly chewed some Hi-Chew candy (pictured above, and closely resembling the white orbs of cocaine that Pac-Man munched on) while I made my office rounds, from one of my boss's offices to another boss's office, all without getting stopped in the hall or fired. Or killed I guess. You might consider it rude to behave in such a manner, but come on now, his name was Pac-Man, not Chew-food-carefully-and-considerately-at-your-desk-Man, I had to be true to the original.

After this little exercise in manners, I was pretty pumped, and flirted with the idea of getting some mushrooms and coins and stomping and collecting them (respectively), but the Janitor is a large, angry man, and he knows where I sit.

Just then I saw something sparkling from the corner of my eye:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cTwVrRRa-A&feature=related

With my newly discovered Ruler-Sword, I spent the remainder of my lunch break hacking down office shrubbery.

too bad I forgot to bring my green tunic.

Day 4: Word Adoption

the word: blateration

Yeah, after philanthropy was conquered, I decided it was high time to adopt. Savethewords.org provides all of us singles who really want kids something unique and special: the opportunity to save a word from extinction from the English language. This is also the goal of most celebrities while naming their kids. Why chose a name like "Carl" or "Marie" when you could save an old endangered name like "Fifi-Trixibell?" But I digress.

It would be nice and enjoyable if the endangered words were "sophistry" or "pedantic" or something with a ring to it like "Oblongum." But no, I got "blateration." Sorry, "blateration," I believe you should be retired, if I wasn't required to adopt you based on a commitment I made to my readership, I would have put you out of your misery on the spot. Any word that combines the conjured imagery of "splatter" with an intonation similar to the word "bladder" and with the lovely ending "ation" has some serious problems. Is this the act of defiance by an abused bladder? Is it a euphemism for peeing? "Be right back honey, I need to go blaterate." Is it the spontanious combustion of your urinary tract? "Oh, I think my innards just blaterated, oh, it hurts." No actually, it's just about someone talking, or babbling, or blabbering... you see the problem. You have to stop trying to be like these other words "blateration," you just gotta be yourself man.

Because I had doubts about the need (or even knowledge of) a word like this, I decided to take it to the streets. And because my brain is, like, huge (see below), I thought of a clever way of doing this.

my brain, artist's rendering

I decided to craftily insert the word "blateration" into a few conversations, except it would be reverse-SAT style: I would deliberately use the word wrong and see if I was ever corrected.

Starbucks Barista: "Iced triple grande three pump no-whip white mocha."

Me @ Starbucks: "Wow, you really put some blateration into this drink."

Starbucks Barista: "Thanks!"

[Extinction: 1, Preservation: 0]

Uwajimaya Checker: "Your total comes to 10.50... would you like a receipt?"

Me @ Uwajimaya: "No that's alright. Does your guys' sushi come with free blateration?"

Uwajimaya Checker: "I don't think so, sorry."

[Extinction: 2, Preservation: 0]

Co-worker: "Wow, they really should have let us know that we wouldn't be doing the mailings today."

Me: "Yeah, I agree. It's really blaterating."

Co-worker: "..."

[Extinction: 3, Preservation: 0]

Sorry "blateration," it's been a good run, but it's time to go!

Day 3: Lemonade Stand

lemonade. free as a bird, sour as... whatever.

So yes, today, with almost no mountains left to climb already, I turned to philanthropy. Opened up a free lemonade stand for the good people of my work. In preparation I woke up early this morning and hand squeezed the lemonade bottle (Simply Lemonade), I also got a bowl and filled it with ice and covered it with a blanket (the delightful green thing in the picture). The blanket was to insulate the ice, and the ice was to keep the lemonade cold so I didn't have to walk it back and forth to the fridge. I ended up just walking it back and forth to the fridge. But I did get to perform a cool magic trick with the bowl. Put ice in the bowl, waited three hours, WHERE DID THAT ICE GO? Merlin has always been my middle name. My awkward awkward name-calling middle name.

I was also especially hygienic with the lemonade. I think this dates back to the time I ordered a smoothie at a smoothie shop and while it was mixing itself on the machine the smoothie-crafting-man stood and talked to me and PICKED HIS NOSE AND ATE IT in front of me. This is wrong on so many levels. It should never be done. So I made sure to wash my hands before each time I poured the beverages.

also I made an adorable little sign

It was interesting to see how my co-workers reacted to the lemonade. I mean this was by no means a science experiment (Merlin =/= Darwin, although both suck as middle names for little kids to be honest), but it was fun to observe. People were timid and/or awkward, and inwardly I was the same way, but I put it past me because honestly that's what this whole thing is about right? Everyone complimented me after I assuaged them with the news that it wasn't hand-made and disappointed them with further news that it wasn't alcoholic at all. People also question your motives, I guess that's to be expected, but maybe someday I'll get better at getting past people's inhibitions.

Day 2: Marble Jewelry

marble jewelry.

So as the quick ones among you might have figured out by now, I wasn't about to risk my life and/or wellbeing and/or job melting marbles down at work. I'm not a cowardly person, I just would have too many regrets. There are too many things I haven't done yet in life. Instead, I decided to sculpt ornate jewelry using the marbles as gems, and paperclips as settings.

I'm going to set one thing straight right now, and that's the proficiency of men at doing this sort of thing. A lot of people don't know this, so I figured someone had to break the news. You know all of those things guys imagine girls doing to each other at slumber parties, and how every one of them is exactly true and almost always happens? It's exactly the opposite with guy's slumber parties. Surprise, I'll bet you didn't know we had those. Usually we drop the "S" and just call them "Lumber Parties," to keep it chill. But guys do pretty much the exact opposite at lumber parties of what girls imagine them doing. They take a lot of preparation. We have a "Designated Divo" (male diva) go out ahead of time and get the materials. This involves a couple of jars of scented soaps and hand scrubs at Lush, and usually a good amount of chocolate from See's Candy. After this, we all get together, gather round, and give each other hand and back massages while we talk about what girls we're crazy about, what kind of kids we want (names, how many, etc.), where we want our collective weddings... guy stuff. It was at a lumber party that I perfected the art of jewelry crafting.

Now, you may think I have adequate skills, but that would be unfair. Much like charm jewelry (http://charmbay.com/transform) my jewelry has gotten to the point where it can completely transform one's looks.

Observe:

my jewelry transformed this hideous man into a gorgeous woman.

If you want to order some of my renowned jewelry, just send large amounts of money to my paypal account until I respond.

Day 1: Marble Tournament

marbles.

Day one, i'm feeling pretty good about all this. I went to get some sweet marbles at Michael's the night before, but either the store was gone or I was at the wrong place. Disheartened yet still zealous, I went to Target and found some decorative marble-like objects that were flat on one side. Alright, I played with those as a kid, I was cool with that. Also I bought a bag of snack size Snickers and ate like half of it. Needed to bulk up on calories before the big game.

Game day, I'm feeling the pressure. I brought a length of championship-regulation Crest floss for the "Circle of Blood" as they called it back when I was reigning marble champ (it nearly earned that title again when my marble-like glass object came within inches of mauling Wendy's eye).

I chose a good spot with a desk-like region, glass topped, just begging to be beaten with glass.

My willing subject Wendy didn't know how to play.

(pictured here smiling, before I explained the rules)

Basically we arranged the marbles in a cross, 8 per side, and flicked them around. It was pretty intense. The little guys were hard to scoot. I ended up winning, obviously. Wendy will tell you that it doesn't matter because we had fun, and the second part is true but the first isn't. It does matter, I won. Day one was a success, and Wendy is now my favorite person whose name starts with a "W" (if there are any Wanda's reading this currently, I hate you still).

we remain friends, despite my glassy superiority. also I'm angry here.

I Am An Interesting Person

and to make my life better i will post daily updates to this blog, showing you how interesting work can be.

i'm going to follow this list: http://listsgalore.blogspot.com/2009/08/150-things-to-do-when-youre-bored.html

except with a twist: i'll do all of them AT WORK. if i can't do them exactly at work, i'll improvise, but try to be creative and hold as true to the list as i can.

wish me luck!